My Heart on My Sleeve and The Quest

There used to be a time when I never doubted the love in my life. It was a time when I was safe and happy and I felt free. I feel pretty confident about myself. I'd like to think I'm not too bad looking, I'm thoughtful, I love completely, I like to have fun, be spontaneous, I like to learn and try new things. I have so much to offer someone out there. These last few months I have sold myself way short. I've expended too much energy on people that never deserved it. I've worn my heart on my sleeve, thinking by being open and honest it would get me somewhere. Nope. The only place it's taken me is back to square one. I'm so tired of the sad and lonely trip back here. There are days that I just want to shake myself into reality. I feel like a broken record, telling myself this same speech every single time. It's gotten old. Everyone around me is tired of hearing me say that this time I'm done. I don't bother saying it anymore, because I obviously I can't commit to that. My self control is crap. My salvation is chemically induced and at this point it's the only way I can function.

I'm not quite sure why it is that I keep going back for more, when I know for a fact that all I will get is heartbreak.
Then there is someone whom I have grown to care for deeply, but it seems he couldn't care less. I can't entirely blame him for not wanting me. I've made mistake after mistake with him and what he must see is more drama and problems than it's worth. I let situations get out of hand and then look back and kick myself for the choices I made. I've started this dysfunctional cycle with him and have more than likely ruined any chance I ever had. I don't even know if he could give me what I want or need. Probably because I don't even know what that is. I do know that he is not emotionally available for anything and so I have no choice but to walk away.

These decisions are so hard for me to accept and actually stick to. I want nothing more than to have my life fall into place this instant. I want stability and happiness, the kind I have never, ever had. I'm on this quest to find these things within myself. And as much as I have said that this is my plan over and over again, this time I am ready to do it. I feel stronger in the sense that I can finally handle all of the emotions and work that getting there will take. I haven't been to this point before. I see the long road ahead of me, the one full of potholes and detours. But at the end of that I can actually catch a glimpse of the place I've been searching for. And you know what? It looks pretty amazing