My Gram

A year ago today, I lost my Gram. She was my Grandmother, my friend, my confidant. She was a mother, a wife, a breast cancer survivor, a prom queen. She was my Gram. I miss her more than I can say. Not a day passes that I don't think about her and wish that I could see her again. She was such an important person in my life. She supported me, she listened, and she always made me feel special. Gram was a talker! She could talk and talk and talk, there was never a shortage of conversation when around her. She loved to laugh. Once she started, it was hard to get her to stop and her laughter was infectious. I have so many wonderful memories of her. From childhood through adulthood, she was there for everything. School functions, sports, weddings, births, she was there to cheer us on in anything we did. There was a card and gift for every holiday that passed. Valentine's Day, Easter, Halloween, Christmas, were all marked with a small basket of goodies to celebrate. Birthdays were a big deal to her and she always remembered, calling, sending a card, a gift. I think the small cards are one thing that I miss most since she's been gone. Along with our phone conversations. We talked often and now I find it hard to call my Grandpa because I know she won't be there.

Her last days were painful for her, something I wish I could have changed. I was lucky enough to be there with her in the hospital those last few weeks. I stayed day and night, knowing in my heart that these were our last days together. She was so happy to have me there, bragging to the nurses that her only granddaughter came to be with her. I sat with her, held her hand, talked to her, she couldn't talk back with breathing tubes in. And when I knew it was close, seeing her suffer was too much for me, I told her it was okay to let go. Gram was always one of those people who cared for everyone else before herself. I know she was worried about Grandpa and the rest of us. I told her we would be fine, that she was free. That was the hardest moment but the most peaceful. I know she needed to hear it, because the rest of the family was begging her to stay. While I would give anything to have her here, she was suffering too much. I wanted peace for her, she deserved that. I can only hope that my words helped give her some in the end.

I knew the minute that she passed. I was not there, but I felt her leave. My breath caught in my throat and my heart sank. It sounds crazy, I know, but it's what happened. Our connection was so strong. This year has been tremendously hard for me. This loss has affected every aspect of my life. Grieving is hard, really, really hard. But today, on this anniversary of my Gram's death, I look out my window and see the sun shining through the red and orange leaves of Fall. And I know that life goes on, with her love in my heart and my life, always.