Yesterday made three years. Three years since my life fully fell apart. I honestly did not realize the date until late yesterday afternoon, when I casually glanced at the calendar. It took me a moment and as I figured out why the date stood out, I stopped and took a quiet minute to myself. I looked around and took in all the physical changes in my environment, I thought back to that Sunday, 3 years ago, and the complete hopelessness I felt. I never thought I would come back from that place. Now, here I am, happier than I have ever been. Who would have guessed? Certainly not me. Thankfully, the universe had bigger plans in store. I can look back now and be grateful for the journey I've been on, for the strength I have gained. I am a better person for it. Like I told myself yesterday, you've come a long way baby!

THE LIST: 1. List 20 random facts about yourself. 2. Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears. 3. Describe your relationship with your parents. 4. List 10 things you would tell your 16 year-old self, if you could. 5. What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now? 6. What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced? 7. What is your dream job, and why? 8. What are 5 passions you have? 9. List 10 people who have influenced you and describe how. 10. Describe your most embarrasing moment. 11. Describe 10 pet peeves you have. 12. Describe a typical day in your current life. 13. Describe 5 weaknesses you have. 14. Describe 5 strengths you have. 15. If you were an animal, what would you be and why? 16. What are your 5 greatest accomplishments? 17. What is the thing you most wish you were great at? 18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive? 19. If you could live anywhere, where would it be and why? 20. Describe 3 significant memories from your childhood. 21. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and what would you do with it first? 22. Where do you see yourself in 5 years? 10 years? 15 years? 23. List your top 5 hobbies and why you love them. 24. Describe your family dynamic of your childhood vs. your family dynamic now. 25. If you could have dinner with anyone in history, who would it be and what would you eat? 26. What popular notion do you think the world has most wrong? 27. What is your favorite part of your body and why? 28. What is your love language? 29. What do you think people misundertand most about you? 30. List 10 things you would hope to be remembered for.

Only the beginning

I am happy. Honestly and truly happy. Even saying those words baffles me. It's been so long since I have felt this. There was a time when I was certain this feeling would never happen again. It surely was a bumpy road getting here! I learned many lessons along the way. Some enjoyable ones and some not so pleasant. My heart has been through the ringer. It was all part of the plan though. The universe knew that through all the tragedy and triumph, I would reach this point.

I have love in my life again. Real, honest, all consuming love. And it is amazing. Granted this love has been here for the last two years, never failing me, no matter the  circumstance. But now it's grown into what we always knew it could be if given the chance. Once again I have hope. I can see a happy future, with a man who loves me  completely, and never fails to show it. I can see a happy family, laughter, memories to be made, adventures to take, new life to create. It all looks so promising. Everything that I went through was to get me here, to this very moment. I have the gift of seeing the value of what I have and knowing that I will never take it for granted.

So thank you universe, for bringing me to my destiny. Thanks for making it so amazing and a preemptive thank you for the awesome future you have in store.

Revelations

Life has been changing lately. Things are falling into place and falling out of place simultaneously. I'm rolling with the punches for the most part. Living each day, trying to be present in the moment. I was blindsided this week by a situation I have never faced before. It's something that should have occurred to me, but never really did. I won't go into it, but let's just say it stung. BUT, it lead to this realization....I truly do have everything I need in my life at this very moment. Sure, I would love to have someone special by my side, who wouldn't? I would love to have that companionship, love, intimacy, all rolled up into one amazing package. But I don't. Not today at least. And I was struggling with that, I have been for awhile. Then it hit me, I have all of those things in my life already. They may not all come from the same person, but my needs are not going unmet. I have a tremendous amount of love in my life! There are so many wonderful people who care for me and don't hesitate to show it though their kindness and support. I have awesome friends who can make me laugh, be a shoulder to cry on, a listening ear, whatever is needed. And there is always someone I can call if sex becomes an issue. I do not lack any of the things I was sure were missing from my life. Which means, I don't NEED anyone to fill that nonexistent void. I don't need a man to come into my life for me to finally be happy. The only thing stopping me up to this point has been myself. As humans, we often self sabotage, why I don't really know. I've desperately needed this revelation to sink in. It's been told to me over and over again, but I never understood it. For some strange reason, today I do. So, when I sit down on Thursday and think about what it is I am thankful for, it will be this new understanding of my reality. It will be the hope I now I hold for everyday happiness and the ability to lean on all the people around me to fill in the gaps that I may not be able to fill myself. And one day, who knows when, there will be a man in my life to become all of those things to me, all rolled into one. How lucky I will be at that point to have twice the love in my life!

Amor Vincit Omnia

There is this woman, we all know her, the one who seems to have it all...beautiful kids, a supportive husband, a group of amazing friends, a great life. She's the lucky one. She's got it made. She does play dates, she volunteers at school, takes her kids to the park everyday. From where you stand, it all seems perfect. And it is, as perfect as perfect can be, until one day, it isn't. Like a train wreck, sudden and with massive destruction, you watch this woman's world come crashing down around her. Everyone wonders what happened, the sympathy comes pouring in, the initial concern from friends is overwhelming. Her marriage has fallen to pieces, her family, broken. She can barely face each day as they come, struggling to perform basic tasks, and she sinks into darkness. Time passes and she slowly gains some strength back. She attempts to be social, counting on those amazing friends of hers. But she soon realizes that people are not so interested in being around her. They slowly retreat from her life, as if she carries a disease, one that they could catch and then, poof, their marriage falls apart too. It's a sad reality. As if the tragedy she is facing is not already enough, as if she hasn't lost enough. Her true friends become apparent, picking her up when she is down, occupying her mind, listening when she needs someone to talk to, holding her while she grieves for the death of her life as she knew it. With time she gains her footing again. She starts from the bottom, rebuilding herself. There are many bumps along the way, but she does it.

I know this woman all too well. She is me. And while my whole life did fall apart, I survived it. There were times I was sure I wouldn't. Had it not been for the love and support around me from family and a few really amazing friends, I don't think I would be where I am today. I still have a long way to go, I'm still struggling, but not nearly as badly as before. I have made many mistakes in the last few years, but I have learned from them all. I was certain that there would never be love again in my life. Luckily I found that to be untrue. And while my life is full of complications, I am happy. And I am free. I'm at a place in my life where I am realizing that I deserve so much more than I gave myself credit for and now knowing that, I refuse to settle for anything less. That in itself will carry it's own challenges, but I will face them. I hold on to the hope that my life has the absolute possibility of being even greater than it ever was. That there is an everlasting love and a ridiculous amount of happiness waiting for me. Because in the end, amor vincit omnia.....love conquers all.

It's a day where I just feel like writing but I have no idea what I want to write about. I suppose I could go on and on about all the changes in my life lately. Things are good for me right now, knock on wood. Some days I'm afraid to feel the happiness that is surrounding me, for fear that it will be pulled out from under me like before. But I am happy and it's such a good feeling, I have to let myself feel it, live it. This past month has been an interesting one. I've learned a lot about what I want and what I'm really feeling. Lucky for me, these things that I want are mine already and I can relax and enjoy them. There are so many changes coming. Things that will be hard to deal with and things that will be exciting and new. Overall, I am feeling better than I have in a long time. For awhile there I was not myself and I didn't like it. Now things are clearer and that makes for a much easier day to day existence. I have much to be thankful for, I really do, and I am trying to appreciate it all.

And yet again I have no idea where life is really taking me. One minute I think I know and the next, what I thought was, is just a memory floating on the wind. I have to keep reminding myself that life is about the journey, not the final destination. Each and every day is part of said journey and appreciating it all is something that, for me, takes a conscious effort. Accepting the good with the bad is also something that I have to grow to be comfortable with. I often let the little things overwhelm me and take away from the overall big picture, which holds so much more positive than negative.